100 Truths

This month, I'm just going to do something simple. So here's 100 little tidbits about me, in case there's something you didn't know. 

1. Real name: Samantha Ann Metzger.

2. Nicknames: Sam, Anna, Samantha Anna Banana, Sayum, Metzger, Samon, Jammer, Samuel.

3. Favorite color: Black and neon blue.

4. Male or female: I'm female. 

5. Elementary school: Vanderhoof.

6. Middle School: Drake.

7. High School: Arvada West.

8. College: No idea yet. I'd like to stay in Colorado, though. 

9. Hair color: Dyed black, naturally an ashy brown that I loathe.

10. Tall or short: I think I'm around average compared to most people my age. Maybe a bit short. 

11. Sweats or Jeans: Jeans. Sam gusta.

12. Phone or camera: I prefer my phone. I can take pictures on it anyway. 

13. Health freak: Lawl. As if. 

14. Orange or apple: Ehh.  

15. Do you have a crush on someone: That's putting it a bit mildly. 

16. Eat or drink: Depends on if I'm hungry or thirsty. 

17. Piercings: Ears. I've actually considered a lip piercing, but it'd be a painful pain in my arse. 

18. Pepsi or coke: Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi. 

Have You Ever...

19. Been in an airplane:  Many times.

20. Been in a relationship: Nope. 

21. Been in a car accident: Rear-ended. Not much of an accident. 

22. Been in a fist fight: Don't think so. But with younger, more violent me, it's a possibility. 

23. First piercing: Ears. Used to be double-pierced, but sadly no more. 

24. Best friends: Emily, Alysha, Sammy, Nate, Justin, and some other peoples. 

26. First crush: Jayden from ALC. 

27. First word: Sky. My mom asked me where the moon was, and I answered. Like a baws. 

29. Last person you talked to: Sammy. 

30. Last person you texted: Nate. 

31. Last person you watched a movie with: Sammy, Dad, and Jen. 

32. Last food you ate: Slice of pizza. 

33. Last movie you watched: Mirror Mirror.

34. Last song you listened to: Do It Now, Remember It Later. 

35. Last thing you bought: Mayhem Festival shirt. 

36. Last person you hugged: Jen. 

FAVORITE:

37. Food: Depends on what I'm craving. 

38. Drink: Moolatte, hot chocolate, water, diet Coke/Pepsi, Monster, Arizona Iced Tea.

39. Bottoms:  Jeans?

40. Flower: Almost any colored rose. Mostly white. 

41. Animal: Bald eagles. Duh. But I also like pigeons, turkeys, ravens, crows, doves, vultures, and so on. 

42. Color: Didn't I already answer this? Black and neon blue. 

43. Subject: Used to be language arts, but now it's Theater or Spanish. 

 HAVE YOU EVER:

45. [ ] fallen in love with someone (Ehh. Can you really fall in love with someone who doesn't love you back?) 

46. [x] celebrated Halloween 

47. [x] had your heart broken. 

48. [x] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone.

49. [X] Had someone like you (I'm so happy I can actually check that off, now.) 

51. [ ] got pregnant.

52. [ ] had an abortion.

53. [X] did something I regret.

54. [X] broke a promise

55. [X] hid a secret

56. [x] pretended to be happy

57. [x] met someone who changed your life.

58. [X] pretended to be sick 

59. [ ] left the country.

60. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.

61. [x] cried over the silliest thing.

62. [ ] ran a mile 

63. [X] went to the beach with your best friends. 

64. [x] got into an argument with your friends. 

65. [x] disliked someone. (Hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't li- Nah, hate is the right word.)

66. [X] Seen your favorite band live

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating: Nothin'.

68. Drinking: Nothin'.

69. Listening: To Futurama. 

70. Sitting/Laying: Sitting on the floor next to the couch.  

71. Plans for today: See a movie, clean, have fun and stuff. 

72. Waiting for: Concerts. 

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids: I want a girl, or a girl and a boy. 

74. Want to get married: Well, yeah. 

75. Career: Tattoo artist, maybe a writer. 

76. Lips or eyes: I prefer eyes. 

77. Shorter or Taller: Taller than me. 

78. Romantic or Spontaneous: Both. 

81. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship. 

82. Looks or personality: Personality. By far. 

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts:  Nope, don't have either.

84. Snuck out of a house: In a way. 

85. Held a gun/knife for self defense: Yep. 

86. Killed somebody: Well, not yet. 

87. Broken someone's heart: Highly doubt that. 

88. Been in Love: Who am I, of all people, to define "love?"

89. Cried when someone died: Yeah. 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: Depends. I can either be for myself or against myself. 

91. Miracles: Nope. 

92. Love at first sight: Absolutely not. It's called, "physical attraction at first sight."

93. Heaven: Lawl. No.  

94. Santa Claus: Nope. 

95. Aliens: I believe in some form of life elsewhere in the universe. Just not like, green Martians. 

96. Ghosts: Absolutely. 

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you really want to be with right now: Oh geeze, yes. 

98. Do you know who your real friends are: Mostly,  I think. 

99. Do you believe in God: Lawl again. No. I'm Atheist/Agnostic. 

100. Post as 100 truths:  That's not even a truth, but whatevs. 

Summer Plans

          Less than a week until freshman year is over. And then, over two full months of summer vacation until sophomore year begins in August. Usually, I don't really plan anything for the summer besides hanging out with some friends and going to my dad's house. But this summer, I am freaking loaded with plans. I'm scary excited, which is making the remaining school time drag on forever. But once school is out, this is what I have to look forward to. 

• Getting an iPhone (Not much of an event, but my current phone hates me and I'm finally eligible for my upgrade. Plus, I lost my iPod and I miss iTunes.) 
• Going to Florida with my friend Emily (I've never been to Florida, but I've always wanted to go. And my uncle Tim works at Sea World, so I could get in and get a backstage tour for free.)
• Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival (A huge concert with Emily, Nate, and a handful of other friends with a chance of getting us into the pit again? Hell yes!)
• Linkin Park/Incubus concert (Two awesome bands that I've known since I was a little girl. You bet your ass I'm excited.)
• Owl City concert (Most likely going with my friends Sammy, Isaac, and Isaiah. I've already been to one with Sammy, and it was glorious.) 
• Dragging my friend Justin over to Bliss (It's a wonderful frozen yogurt place that everyone I know seems to love, and this guy's never gone. So I've got to drag him over there at some point.) 
• Running through sprinklers (Not just any sprinklers, the ones on the soccer field. In broad daylight.) 
• Nate's end of the year party (It's a hot-tub/bonfire party where you burn all your homework and assignments. Sounds wonderful.) 
• Emily's sweet 16 party (It's bound to be pretty damn fun.)
• Going to Taco Bell and playing Never Have I Ever and T or D with Sammy, Isaac, and Isaiah (It's a tradition.) 
• Going to my dad's house (Huge freaking house, tons of junk food. Sometimes Sammy comes along, which is the bomb. Might also have Emily over.)
• Going to visit Mom's friend Shanna (She's like family. She moved out of state a while ago, so it will be nice to go see her again. She's pretty wonderful.) 
• 4th of July (Me gusta fireworks and warm nights.)
• Airsoft wars (Shooting pellet guns at Calvin, Emily, Dakota, and a bunch of other people. Painful but oh so worth it.) 
• Elitches with Sammy, Isaac and Isaiah, and then with Emily and Nate (Amusement parks with friends are glorious. That is all.)
• Zombie movie marathon with Emily and Nate (We've wanted to do this for a while, but we haven't had time. But with school out of the way, nothing shall stop us.) 
• Sleeping in (Duh.) 

          These aren't my only plans, but you get the idea. This summer is going to be fabulous. Just two days of finals and I'm free. 

Random Confessions

          Well, I suppose it's about time I write another post. I kind of skipped March, so chances are I'll be writing at least two posts this month instead. But what to write? 


          So, I have a journal. I use it to write down anything on my mind. Some pages are very personal, others are just thoughts or song lyrics. So I figure I'm just going to copy one page on here. Not a very personal one, though. It's simply random and perhaps semi-strange confessions. And I will do my best to elaborate and explain each one. You may find some interesting. If not, oh well. I'm writing them down anyways, so deal with it. 

• I used to loathe orange and yellow. (Seriously. They used to kind of hurt my eyes. I hated those colors with a burning passion, and I'm still not sure why. I can stand them now, but I'm still not very fond of orange.)
• I used to believe movie theaters used giant VCR's and giant DVD's to play the films. (Nothing more than simple young-child logic. It was the simplest explanation I could come up with.)
• I'm terrified of giant, automatic overflowing toilets. (I have been since I can remember. I used to have nightmares that I was in a room full of them. To this day, my nightmares usually include some form of an overflowing toilet. Even if it's not automatic or towering above me.)
• I hate it when people abbreviate "I love you" into "ILY." (A lot of other people do too, I'm sure. If you mean it, spell it the fuck out. And don't misspell it, either.)
• I now hate being called Samantha instead of Sam. (Used to be the other way around. I used to hate being called Sam, but now if I'm called anything else I kind of shrivel up. Why? I'm not even sure I know.)
• Pet-names that couples use sicken me. (For example, "baby" or "cutie-pie." Again, call me Sam or I will murder you. 
• Even though I'm Atheist and strongly believe in coincidence and science, sometimes when I am completely desperate, I'll attempt to pray just in case. (Can't hurt, right?)
• I hold the biggest goddamn grudges ever. (I may forgive, but I will never forget. And I will always hold some resentment. There is no one I completely trust anymore.)
• The majority of my crushes names started with a "J." (Simple fact.)
• I used to believe chap-stick created new lip skin. (Again, young-child logic. Why else would people use it to repair chapped lips, right?)
• I used to hate pants because it felt like they trapped my legs. (I wore dresses every day up until like third grade. Whenever I wore pants, I felt restricted, like the blood flow in my legs would be cut off. It was like my legs were claustrophobic.) 
• I once had myself fully convinced I was a mermaid. (A fact I'm not proud of. I had a journal and everything. And I had dreams. And I believed my real name was Ala Aquaex.) 
• It took me forever to understand the 1st Bank sign. (Have you seen that shit? I couldn't even... Then one day I was like.. Oh. Duh.)
• To this day, I hold my toothbrush with a bow-hold. (Used to play violin. I now hold my toothbrush the same way I had to hold my bow.)

          So there you have it. Random confessions of a Sam. Thank you for reading, and that is all good folks.

How It Should and Shouldn't Be

          I know I haven't posted in a while. Haven't really known what to write about. But since I kind of made a goal of at least posting once a month and there's only three days left in February, I shall now rant about relationships, and why I'm somewhat scared of getting into one.

          Alright. As I'm sure most of you are well aware, I have never been in a relationship of my own. There's many reasons for this. 

• I got rejected the first and only time I willingly let a guy know I liked him. 
• I've been asked out once in my life, but said no because I was (still am) strung up on another guy. 
• I never really had a good number of guy friends until freshmen year. This year. 
• All the guys I've ever liked have obviously never felt the same.
• I'm scared of ruining a good friendship over a relationship.
• I'm scared I'll end up like my mom.

          See, my mom seems to be cursed with desperateness and clingyness. She never knows when to let a guy go, even when everyone around her clearly expresses their concern. She was with a certain creep for about 9 years. On and off. They were engaged twice, and both times it didn't last for even a few months. During one of their longer breaks from each other when I actually let myself believe she was done with him, she started dating this wonderfully nice, kind guy. Everyone in my family loved him, and he truly felt like he belonged with us. He eventually asked Mom to marry him, and she said no, much to everyone's dismay. Why? She was still longing for her ex. So her wonderful boyfriend left. And she got back with her ex. It was a few more years before they finally called it quits. Now she's with someone who may very well be even worse. They fight every night, and almost every time, they come to within an inch of breaking up but always patch it up at the last possible second. This guy is controlling as hell. He's manipulative, and treats my mom like a damn pet. He always has to know where she is and what she's doing. When she wants to be left alone, there's no chance in hell. He follows her and pesters her nonstop. I'm not even going to mention how bad their fights have gotten. Let's just say, I've been seconds away from calling the cops to make sure my mom wasn't going to get hurt. I'm scared for her. My entire family's scared for her. We can all see who he really is, but if we try to say anything to her, she'll get pissed at us and cling to him even more. He's also an asshole to my friends, and that is not fucking okay. I want my friends to enjoy coming over. I don't want them scared to be at my house, and I don't want to be scared to be in my own house either. I don't trust this guy. At all. What's sickening is that mom always goes on and on about how he's her "soulmate." If that's how soulmates treat each other, I don't want to have anything to do with another guy ever again. Fuck. No. 

          I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be as stupid as Mom if I was in her spot. But the thing is, I know I can be just as clingy. I dated someone online for over a year once. Doesn't count as a real relationship, but still. Anyway, all of my friends were always telling me I had to let him go. He was often a jerk toward all of them, and I was so wrapped around his damn finger I didn't let myself notice. I stayed with him even when he made me feel like absolute shit, and I never bothered looking for other guys that actually lived in the same damn state as me. And when the fake relationship was finally done, I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom. It was like, "Guess what? I don't live in your fucking shadow anymore, and someday I'm going to find someone that will actually love me." I know that if my mother had the courage to actually let go of her current "lover," she would feel the exact same way. She's not happy with him. It's evident. She's only fooling herself, but everyone else can see what the real situation here is. 

          My dad on the other hand, has never had a bad girlfriend. Everyone he dated was absolutely amazing.   I don't know why those relationships didn't last, but he's still friends with his all of his ex's. And now he's married to the best. Woman. Ever. She's super nice, funny, caring, and everything else that is good in the world. She is the best step-mom I could ever hope for. And I've never seen Dad remotely unhappy with her. They're so perfect together it amazes me. And THAT is what I want my own relationship to be like. I want what my dad and my step-mom have together, because it can't possibly get any better than that. 

          So, yeah. I can only hope that I'll follow my dads footprints, and not Moms. The problem with her is that she's terrified of being alone, and with me going to college in a few years, I think she's determined to be married by then. She needs to realize that she's not going to end up happy if she keeps this up, though. This is going to get her hurt. 

          I've made a lot of my friends promise me that if when I get a boyfriend I start acting like my mom, they need to tell me to get out of that relationship, and fast. I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, but when I have one, I will make certain that I don't get in too deep to the point where I'm completely blind. So when a decent guy that feels the same as I do come along, hopefully it'll be a good experience even if we break up eventually.

          I will not be some guy's pet. 

          I will not be controlled. 

          I will not be blind. 

          I will not sacrifice my own happiness. 

          I will not waste my life on the wrong guy. 

         So, yeah. I kind of needed to get all that crap off my shoulders. And if you actually read that whole rant, kudos. I am proud of you. Gracias for your time spent on a Sam. 

          

This Is The House That Doubt Built

          I'm currently obsessing over this A Day To Remember song for whatever reason. So, meh. Thought I'd share it. 'Cause it's wonderful. Me gusta ADTR. 

Don’t get me started on what it means to be alive.
You’re lying to yourself and then still you act surprised.
Cause you're scared, can't come to terms with what you are.
The wolves in sheep's clothing will only lead you so far.
You’ll wait, and they’ll go
Cause in the end we all end up alone.
So just wait. You’ll know.

Forget everything just for tonight.
We'll sing like everyone when they're alone
Cause I've been waiting for tonight
To sing woah-oh, woah-oh

I rely on myself, just making sure that was clear.
I’m not in need of your crutches, I've faced all my fears.
And I won what I knew I could have.
Life is not a punch card, make the best of what you have.
But don’t wait, just go.
And when you find yourself please, let me know.
It's not too late, just let go.

Forget everything just for tonight.
We'll sing like everyone when they're alone
Cause I've been waiting for tonight
To sing woah-oh, woah-oh
Let's believe that if we all stand together,
We’re a force that can shake the whole world.
For once I'm doing something right when we sing
Woah-oh, woah-oh

In the end it's not about what you have.
In the end it's all about where you want to go
And the roads you take to help you get there.
I hope you think that's fair
Cause you’ve only got one life to lead.
So don’t take for granted those little things.
Those little things are all that we have.

Forget everything just for tonight.
We'll sing like everyone when they're alone
Cause I've been waiting for tonight
To sing woah-oh, woah-oh
Let's believe that if we all stand together,
We’re a force that can shake the whole world.
For once I'm doing something right when we sing
Woah-oh, woah-oh

I sing woah-oh
Woah-oh, woah-oh, woah-oh
Everything, everything
Cause I’ve been waiting for the night to sing
Woah-oh, woah-oh

Rats With Wings

          I'm going to write about pigeons. Yes, pigeons. If you care and/or read through the whole thing, I give you props.


          I think pigeons are misunderstood. A lot of people call them "rats with wings" because they poop a lot, make messes, and hang out in cities or something. I've never had anything against pigeons. They're just another type of bird, right? Actually, in my opinion, a pigeon is so much more.


          Let me explain. I never thought much about pigeons until I met Walter. Walter was a foster pigeon I was taking care of for about a year because he had some type of disease or something. It wasn't gross or contagious, but it made his neck and head turn upside down. It was actually really freaking adorable. Needless to say, I had to look out for him because he wouldn't survive on his own.


          He started out pretty shy, but in time he came to trust me more. He would coo at night, and I would fall asleep smiling. He would get as close to me as he could when I was sitting next to his cage at my desk, and he would sing and coo more again while gazing at me with half shut eyes. I loved Walter. Everything about him. Even the way he was picky with his seeds. He had a favorite kind, and he would fling all the other seeds around my room to get to them. The mess was worth having him. He wasn't too hard to clean up after either. Sometimes, I would pick him up and hold him and let him look outside the window because I didn't want him to be stuck in his cage all the time. When I left for school, I would leave my blinds and screens open so the sun would come in and he could feel a breeze. I would also leave the radio on to make him feel less lonely. I would sing to him. I talked to him. He was, in a way; my best friend.


          Then I went to Dads over break. Mom got rid of Walter while I was gone and gave him to some bird shelter. I was devastated. I was crying for days, and sometimes I still cry. I never got to say goodbye to him. In fact, the last thing I said to him had been, "Love you, Walter. See you when I get home." I feel like I broke my promise. Where he is, I'm not even allowed to visit because the woman that owns the place won't allow it. I feel like my friend was stolen from me without warning.

          So that's my little story on why I adore pigeons now. They're one of my favorite animals, along with bald eagles, turkeys, and vultures. Sounds strange, but I have my reasons. And now whenever I see a pigeon, a "rat with wings" is that last thing I think of. I pay attention to the cooing sounds they make. I pay attention to their red and orange fire-brimmed eyes. I look at how their neck feathers shine green and purple in the light, and the way the waddle around and tilt their heads. And I remember Walter. 

          So be careful if you happen to say anything negative about a pigeon in front of me, 'cause I'll never shut up. Just a fair warning. And if you've read this far, thanks. I just kind of needed to put this out there. Even if not many people will care to read it. So yeah. Ramble, ramble, ramble. Blog, blog, blog about random stuff. 

Valentine's Day

          Yep. That's next month. And stores are already filled with candy, hearts, roses, teddy bears, and all that Valentine's Day stuff. I know a lot of people find February 14th very depressing when they're alone. I'll admit, I tend to feel kind of sad on that day too. I try not to, but I can't really help it. Especially when I see happy couples everywhere. I went to Hallmark yesterday with my friend, and we saw this fake blooming rose in the Valentine's Day section. I have to admit, if a guy ever gave that to me, I'd melt into a puddle of happiness. Hell. I'd melt if I got a simple rose or even a letter. It's upsetting to know that I probably won't be getting anything at all, or that I won't even have anyone. Who doesn't find that at least a bit sad? We all want to feel that we're someones reason to smile or sing when no one's watching. 

          You know what, though? I don't want to feel sorry for myself. Someday, someone special will come along. Maybe not this year, maybe not next year, but someday. For now, I want to be happy with what I have. So this Valentine's Day, my friends and I are going to have a Forever Alone party. There will be Taco Bell. Screw chocolate. And we're going to freaking live it up and have a great time. We're just that freaking awesome. 

         So for those of you who are still reading; when Valentine's Day arrives, just be happy. You don't need to be dating someone to have a good day. You seriously don't. Instead of saying, "I love you," to a boyfriend or girlfriend, say it to your friends. And for those of you who are in a relationship, go ahead and do something special. If any guys are reading, I recommend finding a cheesy love song that explains how you feel about your girlfriend and telling her that it reminds you of her. 'Cause I know if a guy did that for me, it would mean so much more than chocolate. And I'm sure a lot of other girls feel the same way. 

          So that's all I think I wanted to ramble about today. To end, I will leave you with a song that always makes me happy enough to just freaking fly.