How It Should and Shouldn't Be

          I know I haven't posted in a while. Haven't really known what to write about. But since I kind of made a goal of at least posting once a month and there's only three days left in February, I shall now rant about relationships, and why I'm somewhat scared of getting into one.

          Alright. As I'm sure most of you are well aware, I have never been in a relationship of my own. There's many reasons for this. 

• I got rejected the first and only time I willingly let a guy know I liked him. 
• I've been asked out once in my life, but said no because I was (still am) strung up on another guy. 
• I never really had a good number of guy friends until freshmen year. This year. 
• All the guys I've ever liked have obviously never felt the same.
• I'm scared of ruining a good friendship over a relationship.
• I'm scared I'll end up like my mom.

          See, my mom seems to be cursed with desperateness and clingyness. She never knows when to let a guy go, even when everyone around her clearly expresses their concern. She was with a certain creep for about 9 years. On and off. They were engaged twice, and both times it didn't last for even a few months. During one of their longer breaks from each other when I actually let myself believe she was done with him, she started dating this wonderfully nice, kind guy. Everyone in my family loved him, and he truly felt like he belonged with us. He eventually asked Mom to marry him, and she said no, much to everyone's dismay. Why? She was still longing for her ex. So her wonderful boyfriend left. And she got back with her ex. It was a few more years before they finally called it quits. Now she's with someone who may very well be even worse. They fight every night, and almost every time, they come to within an inch of breaking up but always patch it up at the last possible second. This guy is controlling as hell. He's manipulative, and treats my mom like a damn pet. He always has to know where she is and what she's doing. When she wants to be left alone, there's no chance in hell. He follows her and pesters her nonstop. I'm not even going to mention how bad their fights have gotten. Let's just say, I've been seconds away from calling the cops to make sure my mom wasn't going to get hurt. I'm scared for her. My entire family's scared for her. We can all see who he really is, but if we try to say anything to her, she'll get pissed at us and cling to him even more. He's also an asshole to my friends, and that is not fucking okay. I want my friends to enjoy coming over. I don't want them scared to be at my house, and I don't want to be scared to be in my own house either. I don't trust this guy. At all. What's sickening is that mom always goes on and on about how he's her "soulmate." If that's how soulmates treat each other, I don't want to have anything to do with another guy ever again. Fuck. No. 

          I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be as stupid as Mom if I was in her spot. But the thing is, I know I can be just as clingy. I dated someone online for over a year once. Doesn't count as a real relationship, but still. Anyway, all of my friends were always telling me I had to let him go. He was often a jerk toward all of them, and I was so wrapped around his damn finger I didn't let myself notice. I stayed with him even when he made me feel like absolute shit, and I never bothered looking for other guys that actually lived in the same damn state as me. And when the fake relationship was finally done, I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom. It was like, "Guess what? I don't live in your fucking shadow anymore, and someday I'm going to find someone that will actually love me." I know that if my mother had the courage to actually let go of her current "lover," she would feel the exact same way. She's not happy with him. It's evident. She's only fooling herself, but everyone else can see what the real situation here is. 

          My dad on the other hand, has never had a bad girlfriend. Everyone he dated was absolutely amazing.   I don't know why those relationships didn't last, but he's still friends with his all of his ex's. And now he's married to the best. Woman. Ever. She's super nice, funny, caring, and everything else that is good in the world. She is the best step-mom I could ever hope for. And I've never seen Dad remotely unhappy with her. They're so perfect together it amazes me. And THAT is what I want my own relationship to be like. I want what my dad and my step-mom have together, because it can't possibly get any better than that. 

          So, yeah. I can only hope that I'll follow my dads footprints, and not Moms. The problem with her is that she's terrified of being alone, and with me going to college in a few years, I think she's determined to be married by then. She needs to realize that she's not going to end up happy if she keeps this up, though. This is going to get her hurt. 

          I've made a lot of my friends promise me that if when I get a boyfriend I start acting like my mom, they need to tell me to get out of that relationship, and fast. I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, but when I have one, I will make certain that I don't get in too deep to the point where I'm completely blind. So when a decent guy that feels the same as I do come along, hopefully it'll be a good experience even if we break up eventually.

          I will not be some guy's pet. 

          I will not be controlled. 

          I will not be blind. 

          I will not sacrifice my own happiness. 

          I will not waste my life on the wrong guy. 

         So, yeah. I kind of needed to get all that crap off my shoulders. And if you actually read that whole rant, kudos. I am proud of you. Gracias for your time spent on a Sam.